Memo to MAGA

Don’t complain about getting f*cked over if you voted for the F*ck Over Party.

FROM: Complaints Dept., National MAGA Members Association
RE: Critics of Presidents Musk and Trump

Dear valued MAGA-mates:

It has come to our attention that some of you have issues with recent executive orders aimed at taking the country back and making it Great Again. We refer you to this distressed Alabama member, whose electricity bill has experienced a rapid unscheduled disassembly, and to our FEMA-curious Georgia members, recently liberated from Deep State tyranny following Hurricane Helene.

We would especially like to address remorseful Musk/Trump voter Paul Bisson, who according to The Wall Street Journal rues the impact of tariff threats, falling consumer confidence and stubborn inflation — which, against all expectations, survived Day 1. Like many of you, Mr. Bisson hopes to retire soon and fears having to make other plans because of market “turbulence” that he blames on our presidents. “I don’t like the chaos in the market,” he says. “That will make the economy worse, and that’s not what we signed up for.”

Actually, that’s exactly what you signed up for. Perhaps some of us haven’t been paying attention.

Let us explain. Having voted for a ticket that promised to eliminate inefficiencies, wage trade wars and root out the Takers, you are now privileged participants in a breathtaking, historic, America First revolution, and revolutions can be stressful. Have you ever heard the expression “you have to break some eggs to make an omelet”?

You are the eggs.

This is the omelet:

‘Long lines and canceled rentals: Firings bring chaos to national parks’
— Washington Post, Feb. 19

President Donald Trump’s purge of federal employees is not only upending the lives of National Park Service workers, but also threatening to harm the visitor experience at national parks across the country. The problems are expected to escalate during the summer season, when more than 100 million Americans and international tourists typically visit the 63 national parks in the United States.

This means that if you voted for President Musk, President Trump, or any of their wholly owned congressional subsidiaries, you may not complain when you have to cancel your Yosemite vacation and settle for a weekend at Six Flags. You voted for efficiency, and nothing says efficiency like Motel 8 mini-golf.

‘Banks Cash In as Republicans Move to Kill Consumer Protections’
— Rolling Stone, Feb. 19

The Biden administration’s effort to rein in excessive overdraft fees is now under direct attack from congressional Republicans, who have launched a campaign to repeal the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (CFPB) rule that would cap overdraft charges at $5. The move comes as the banking industry — one of Washington’s most powerful lobbying forces — pushes to preserve the estimated $8 billion in annual revenue it collects from these fees.

This means you may not bitch when you get blindsided by a $35 fee for a $26 overdraft that you cover in three days, paying an effective APR of 14,000%. This is the free market in action, and Jamie Dimon has a family to feed.

‘Farmers on the hook for millions after Trump freezes USDA funds’
— Washington Post, Feb. 10

Farmers report missing millions of dollars of funding they were promised by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, despite promises from the Trump administration that a federal funding freeze would not apply to projects directly benefiting individuals.

This means you may not whine about uncompensated investments in renewable energy systems that you could never in a thousand years afford without USDA’s Environmental Quality Incentives Program. We strongly discourage responding like Maryland flower farmer Laura Beth Resnick, who expected the USDA to cover half of a $73,000 solar-panel installation until Presidents Musk and Trump froze her reimbursement. “I really don’t know what we would do,” she says.

Here’s what you do: Put your trust in DOGE and let Big Balls take the wheel.

Other omelet-derived consequences you may not complain about if you voted Musk/Trump:

— Lost man-hours because your day laborers have relocated to Gitmo. President Trump is providing alternative sources of cheap workers, some as old as 19.
— Forfeiture of your house because you lost a government or government-adjacent job. Plenty of people sleep in their cars.
— Increased drive times into Manhattan following cancellation of congestion pricing. If you can’t make it to a Starbucks in time, a plastic milk bottle works fine.
— Reduction of your Medicaid or Medicare benefits. You will remain covered for three of the four humors, annual psychic readings and most bleeding emergencies.
— Spinal subluxation and similar injuries incurred because OSHA never inspected the unsecured, 30-ton static crane on your employer’s construction site. You could have gone into sales.

NOTE: This is just a partial list of prohibited objections. As America becomes Great Again, more will follow.

Moving forward, we’d like to leave you with a little rule-of-thumb for navigating future elections: It’s best to weigh the intentions of an Elon Musk or a Donald Trump the way you’d size up hitchhikers in orange jumpsuits. If you’re stupid enough to stop, you deserve what happens next.

Thank you for your attention.