Trump's Team of Fluffers
Whatever it takes to pleasure the Dear Leader.
Former Australian Labor Party leader Mark Latham once coined a term that deserves a hallowed place in the annals of political invective. “A conga line of suckholes” was his description of the conservative Canberra regime that dove head-first into supporting Dubya’s invasion of Iraq, despite significant public opposition. It also neatly describes the craven bootlickers now tripping over each other to pleasure Donald Trump.
The sycophancy has reached Dear Leader proportions. If you can watch this orgy of self abasement without vomiting, you may need professional help. (You heard Pam Bondi right: Trump has saved 258 million lives, or 74% of the population, from certain death. That’s up from 119 million the previous day. Maybe she’s adjusting for inflation.)
Yes, these puppets are gushing grade-A bilgewater, but to stay in the race they need to maintain a high suck-up average, and Trump grades on a curve. This requires out-fluffing a small army of desperately shameless insider wannabes, including people like Tennessee Republican Andy Ogles (“Without the Bible, America would not exist”), who has proposed voiding the 22nd Amendment to accommodate a third Trump term, as well as Florida Republican and MAGA sex kitten Anna Paulina Luna, who wants Trump’s visage on Mount Rushmore.
Then there’s Ed Martin, Trump’s nominee for U.S. Attorney for the District of Columbia, who posted on a government account in February that his office exists to serve as “President Trumps’ [sic] lawyers.”
Coming up fast, though, is South Carolina lickspittle and Olympic-class hypocrite Lindsey Graham, who has apparently signed on to the idea of Trump as Pope. Pause a second and read that again. Graham has to be joking, but he knows that even a flippant proposal could put him far enough up Trump’s capacious ass to maybe overtake Bondi, or even — dare to dream — Glenn Beck.
Folks, we are no longer on the road to authoritarianism; we have reached the promised land. Biff has x-ed every box on the dictator checklist. He is disappearing people off the streets, pissing on due process, telling courts to go eff themselves, vilifying and extorting the press, putting crackpots in charge of public health and know-nothings in charge of national defense, ordering up wingnut trade policies, planning a Juche-esque military parade for his own birthday, and drooling openly about lebensraum. To put a fine point on the strongman sensibility, he has blinged out the Oval Office like a Sacha Baron Cohen set.
Who would have guessed that Great Again would look like this? Oh, wait, I know who:
