Your Annual News Roundup

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Altpress.com

Ritchie will head Kennedy Center programming
(APRIL 1) – Kennedy Center Chairman Donald Trump said he would appoint Robert J. Ritchie as the institution’s program director, praising Ritchie’s “totally incredible talent, like no one’s ever seen.”

Ritchie, better known as Kid Rock, said he was thrilled by the appointment, calling it “like totally f***ing cool, dude.”

Ritchie said he planned to revamp the Center’s current schedule, cancelling a performance of the Gershwin classic “Porgy and Bess” and replacing it with an all-star tribute to Hulk Hogan. “There’s like no guitars in Porky, bro,” said Ritchie. “And Gershwin’s like totally lost it since he played the Riddler on ‘Batman.’”

Trumps announce new venture
Donald Trump Jr. announced a new family venture, Trump Correctional, which will operate a network of private prisons. He said the company hopes to appoint former Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte as CEO. Duterte is currently incarcerated by the International Criminal Court in the Netherlands, where he is awaiting trial on charges that he authorized the murder of up to 30,000 suspected drug traffickers while president.

“We don’t see any reason why he can’t work remotely,” said Trump, “and we think doing time is excellent preparation for the role.”

Asked where the new facilities would be built, Trump said “we’re seeing synergies with Greenland.”

New National Anthem
President Trump signed an executive order making the Village People’s “Y.M.C.A.” the national anthem, replacing Francis Scott Key’s “Star-Spangled Banner.”

He called the previous anthem “fake” and “totally woke,” and said Key is “a total loser who hasn’t had a hit in years. Nobody listens to him anymore.”

Trump said he’d considered Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the U.S.A.” for the anthem, “but you can’t really dance to it.”

Taylor Greene proposes Jan. 6 memorial
Georgia representative Marjorie Taylor Greene submitted legislation that would convert the Lincoln Memorial into a monument to the 1,500 rioters imprisoned for participating in the Jan. 6 Capitol riots.

She said the famous Daniel Chester French statue of a seated Abraham Lincoln, which dominates the monument’s interior, should be removed because “he looks like a Muslim with that beard.”

She added: “The American people don’t like statues from France.”